Are you up for a good laugh? I think we could all use one right about now. Well, my guest this week, courtesy of Goddess Fish Promotions, may have just the thing for you. Her book, ‘Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate, is a book of humorous essays and her post below tells of her adventures with haunted houses.
She’s also giving away a $20 Gift card, so don’t forget to enter the contest.
(Not So) Haunted Houses
by Dorothy Rosby
‘Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate is a collection of humorous essays about how we let our expectations steal the joy out of celebrating. I start with Christmas and work my way through the year with major and minor holidays as well as some off-the-wall ones. So naturally, Halloween gets a turn. And I did some in-depth research for the pieces I wrote about it: I visited a haunted house.
Halloween is already plenty scary for me without having to do that. I don’t need blood-curdling screams or zombies coming at me to scare me. I’m terrified when a spider crawls out of my cupboard. Or when my grocery store moves everything around. Or when a computer person tells me it’s time to update my software. I saw a “Beware of the Dog” sign on an open gate this morning, and my heart rate still hasn’t come down.
So you can see what courage it took me to visit a haunted house. But I did it for the book. Also, because it was my job, so I had to. For many years, I was the public relations person for a non-profit that hosted an annual free haunted house for the public. A vegetarian probably wouldn’t make the best spokesperson for cattle producers. A Prius owner might have a hard time selling Humvees. And chickens probably shouldn’t promote haunted houses. I don’t mean actual chickens. They can promote whatever they want. I mean fraidy-cat chickens like me.
But that’s exactly what I did. Then, all the while I was telling people how terrific our haunted house was, I was thinking, “There’s no such thing as a terrific haunted house.” In the public relations business, this is called “lying.”
But I was being completely honest when I told them that I’d once gone to the haunted house, and it scared me so badly that I’d never been back.
Actually, I’d gone twice, but one of those times they’d left the lights on, so I’m not sure that counts. It was the morning after the haunted house, and I had to walk across the street to the building where it was, by then, being dismantled. Along the way, I met up with a friend who hadn’t heard about the haunted house. And yes, I realize that doesn’t speak well for my skills as a promoter.
I asked her to walk along so we could talk, but I was unaware that she was unaware, so I failed to warn her about what we might see when we entered the building. And what we saw was lots and lots of blood. She didn’t stick around long enough to find out it was fake.
I’m proud to say that, unlike my now former friend, I was unfazed by the haunted house in broad daylight. It wasn’t my blood we were looking at.
The other time I attended the haunted house, it was actually the morning before it opened, and the lights were off. A handful of employees were invited to test it. I worked for a company made up of compassionate people who served others. It was daytime, and it was the organizer’s first attempt at a haunted house. How bad could it be? I’ll tell you. It was torture. I thought it would never end, which is, I suppose, a resounding endorsement of a haunted house. And excellent research for my essays on Halloween.
‘Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate by Dorothy Rosby
Christmas comes but once a year; chaos never ends! Happy Halloween, Merry Christmas, and joyful Lumpy Rug Day. That’s real, by the way. Lumpy Rug Day is celebrated every May 3, though “celebrated” might be too strong a word. It’s the American way to create a celebration for everything, then turn it into a chore or, worse, a nightmare. ’Tis the Season to Feel Inadequate is a collection of humorous essays about how we let our expectations steal the joy out of Christmas and other holidays and special events. It’s understanding for those who think Christmas form letters can be honest—or they can be interesting. And it’s empathy for anyone who’s ever gotten poison ivy during Nude Recreation Week or eaten all their Halloween candy and had to hand out instant oatmeal packets to their trick-or-treaters.
Meet Dorothy Rosby
Dorothy Rosby is an author and humor columnist whose work regularly appears in publications throughout the West and Midwest. Her humorous writing has been recognized by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, the National Federation of Press Women, and the South Dakota Newspaper Association. In 2022, she was named the global winner in the Erma Bombeck Writers Competition in the humor writing category. She’s the author of four books of humorous essays.
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