Ok. Time for something different. Here are some political jokes—I’ve tried to pick nonpartisan stuff that we can all appreciate. Some are old, but I think we all need a laugh right about now. Add your own jokes below—be nice-ish.

J is for Jokes

As a Russian citizen, I am confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election—we know our results months in advance!

Remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year? Now it’s Election night that’s the most terrifying.

Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it … and it gives me nightmares!

A priest, a politician and a clown walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor. He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund needy orphans, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

Q: How are politicians like diapers?

A: They both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.

Friend: What does he do now?

Man: Nothing—he got elected!

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!” The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!” The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

Mark Twain on Congress

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

Mark Twain on the World

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

Abraham Lincoln on Silence

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Jimmy Carter on People Waving At Him

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”

Ronald Reagan on Politics

“Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you’re a thousand miles from the corn field.”

Sources

https://www.liveabout.com/funniest-political-quotes-of-all-time-4078944

https://www.bigcountryhomepage.com/news/hilarious-political-quotes-to-get-you-through-election-night

Your Turn! Make me snort tea out my nose!